a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
