You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
