Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
