Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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