people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
