Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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