i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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