It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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