Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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