Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
