i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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