Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
