My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
