the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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