my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
