His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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