when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
