yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
