....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
