Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
