I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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