Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
