Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
