...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
