Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
