Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
