you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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