Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
