She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
not ubering you a puppy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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