if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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