just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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