im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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