I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
