he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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