Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
