It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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