if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
