I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
