I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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