Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
