just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
