i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Someone signed my nipple.
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