there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
