the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
