Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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