We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize