my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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