He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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