Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
