Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
