apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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