I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
