I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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