i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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