In the future we'll all be gay
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral