god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.