Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
