the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
