I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
