I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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