our cab driver is having phone sex.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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