If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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