So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
